Diary of a Texas Newcomer

Dear Diary,

Just moved to Texas! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful, I’ve finally found my home, I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. Forgot and walked barefoot on a sidewalk today. The blisters will be OK by tomorrow, I think.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the good ole’ sun in a climate like this.

July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. The cicadas in the trees never shut up.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here? A buzzing June bug landed on me in the middle of the night and I peed my pants.

August 4th: It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

August 6th: Opened the closet and looked at my sweater and coat. Why? Why? Why did I even bring this stuff? Got Fall Fashion catalog in the mail today with pictures of beautiful sweaters. Threw the catalog out the window. Bought more tank tops in different colors.

August 8th: If another wise guy cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to strangle him. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked A$$ !

August 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my rear was on fire. My legs accidentally touched the leather and melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and rear end . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair.

August 10th:The weather report might as well be a dang recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything but sit by a fan for 2 darn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow away. Even the cactus can’t live here.

August 14th: Welcome to HADES! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the darn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? “Hot enough for you today?” My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live in this state ?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.